[I wrote this a few days ago while the feelings were extremely fresh, and didn’t publish it. I’ve been debating on if I should ever since. But these thoughts and feelings aren’t new for me, and I’m sure I’ll have them again, so I’m publishing it anyway.]
I have no friends. At least none I would really actually call friends. I don’t know anyone to the point of being “best friends”. I’m not told secrets. No one calls in the middle of the night because they can’t sleep and need someone to talk to. I don’t have anyone to go out with on weekends and evenings.
All the people I casually call my “friend” in conversation are more like aquaintances. I know hardly more than their name, for most of them. Unless we’re Facebook friends, and then I see snapshots of their life. I’m fairly certain that if I went through and got rid of most of the people on my friends list, none of them would care.
I know this is probably the anxiety and depression talking, but I often feel like I’m a very forgettable person. Like, if I just disappeared without telling anyone, no one would notice. No one would question it, because they wouldn’t even think about it. Hell! I’ve had my own mother forget about me sometimes.
I know relationships are a two way street, but sometimes (read:usually) it feels like it’s all one-way with cars only going their way. So eventually I stop trying. I stop sending messages first, because I always feel like I’m bothering them and making them feel obligated to talk to me. I stop trying to make plans, because they always say they’re busy and don’t try to ask me. When I stop trying, the friendship just kind of…dies, I guess.
There are a lot of times when I do get invited to hang out with someone, and I feel like they only pretend to like me. The thoughts that frequently go through my head are about being annoying, saying things that could be taken the wrong way, saying something unintentionally abrasive or offensive, or saying something that makes me sound stupid. Maybe I was an asshole and didn’t know it.
I know most people probably don’t care, but there’s always that little niggle in the back of my brain saying “but what if they do?”
What if they do think I’m annoying? What if I do sound stupid? What if that thing I said was offensive and they just didn’t say anything? What if they don’t actually like me? It’s hard fighting those feelings and thoughts because no one ever straight out answers my anxious questions about them. So I stopped asking, but continue wondering.
At work, sometimes these feelings are even worse. I’m an ESL teacher right now, and I constantly feel excluded by the other teachers. Hardly any of them talk to me, even if I try to start a conversation. They never invite me places with them. I always have to hear them talk in the office about a dinner they had together, or a bar they went to, or other things they did together.
I know it’s probably my own fault because for a while there I was a huge asshole and went around talking kind of badly about some of them. But I stopped when it ruined what I thought was a new friendship. But it seems it ruined every relationship I might have had here. Friend, aquaintance, whatever.
But that doesn’t stop me from feeling bitter jealousy when I hear about and see all the friendships around me.
I always feel bitter and jealous when I hear and see friendships around me. Why can’t I have that? What’s wrong with me that I can’t make and, more importantly, keep friends? Why do people call themselves my friends but never do anything to show their friendship? It hurts, and sometimes I wish I was different. That things could be different. But they aren’t, and I’m not, so I’m stuck with no friends and the constant fight with jealousy.
See you in the next one.