I have so much anxiety tonight. So much it makes me want to cry. Over really silly things too.
At the beginning of the year, I wrote a list of things I wanted to accomplish this year. Not really resolutions, more like goals. Things like lose weight, eat healthier, exercise more, study more Korean. They’re hard goals, but I thought I could do them. Especially since I’m moving back to the States at the end of this month and will have a few people there to support me.
And then there’s tonight.
Tonight I realized how very little Korean I actually know. I also realized trying to teach myself isn’t working like I’d hoped and I’m not sure I’ll be able to find a class or tutor back home. So how am I going to learn Korean?
This doubt, as well as lower back pain, made me start thinking about how tired I am all the time, which makes me doubt being able to make myself exercise more. I’m tired so I don’t want to cook or exercise, which makes eating healthy and exercising hard, which in turn makes losing weight hard. It’s a circle of failure.
I have anxiety because I’m worried I won’t be able to achieve any of my goals, which makes me incredibly sad and angry with myself for being this way.
I wish I was normal. I wish I didn’t doubt myself all the time. I wish I wasn’t tired all the time. I wish I had energy and motivation to do normal things. I wish I could actually make myself do things instead of telling myself it’s okay to do it tomorrow instead.
I’m going to go dig myself out of this depressive hole and go to bed.
See you in the next one.